Should I Buy My Child a Cellphone?

Nope.  There.  I just saved you some money.  Together we just saved society from the future burden of another phone zombie standing in a doorway, blocking the way.

I bumped into one of these zombies today on the way to drop my kid off at school.  We’ve had some snow here and a path to the school barely two human-widths wide had been cleared.  As I was returning home, I encountered a ten-to-twelve-year-old with her head down looking at her iPhone.  My immediate thoughts were, “Bodycheck or phone slap?”.  Of course, I don’t commit violence against youths or women.  Besides, it’s not her fault. It’s her parents’ fault.

They didn’t teach her when walking on a path, you should keep your head up and stay to the right-hand side.  But their more heinous crime was allowing their child to carry one of these dumb-down devices with them at all times.

“Hold it right there, mister.  It’s safer if my child has one of these.  Cancer from RF radiation?  That’s a myth!  ADHD linked to excessive screen time?  Those studies have not been proven!  The telecom duopoly told me it’s okay.  Besides, what’s going to entertain my child while I zone out on Instagram?  Who are you anyway, the cellphone police?

No, I’m the fucking logic police.  Department of common sense motherfucker.

I have a friend who is a high-school math teacher and he likes it when the kids bring their cell phones to class.  Why?  When parents confront him on parent-teacher interview day, demanding to know why their child is doing so poorly in math, he just tells them to check their phone bill.  Their SMS (text) message history will show that their kids are texting when they should be learning.  They won’t know trigonometry, but their emoji skill will be the [insert poop emoji here].

There are many articles out there about teachers and schools trying to ban cell phones in the classroom.  There is quite a debate going on.  There is a lot of nonsense about mutual respect between teacher and student.  One article even said, “students would simply sneak off to their lockers during a bathroom break and use their phones”.  I guess there is no point in banning drug use in schools then.  The little brats will just sneak off and get high.

Speaking of drugs, did you know that social media apps have been intentionally designed to be highly addictive.  They have been described by experts as “behavioural cocaine”.  What better thing to sprinkle on our kids’ Corn Flakes in the morning than a little behavioural cocaine?  Actually, I think it’s more like crack or meth.

So parents, please do the right thing.  Don’t give your kid technological crack.

If you do, you’ll be contributing to a society of zombies, walking around, asking, “What’s your wifi password?” when they should be outside catching some frogs (sorry PETA) or shooting some hoops.

I think I’ll survive this zombie apocalypse, as there is no easier baseball bat target than a zombie staring down at a screen.


3 thoughts on “Should I Buy My Child a Cellphone?

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