Why Does God Beat Puppies?

My colleague had this idea and I asked him if it was okay if I expanded on it a little.

If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, then to him we are like puppies.  Actually, we are probably more like ants or amoebas.  If we wanted to really emphasize his true perfection we might say something like, “If you took all the intelligent thought of every creature that ever roamed the universe for all infinity, it would not even amount to one grain of sand on the infinite beach that is God’s supreme knowledge.”

For the purpose of this morning’s thought fart, let’s just pretend God is at a human level and we are at a puppy level.  He is our master, right?

Okay, so God has just returned home from the pet store with his first pair of new puppies, Adam and Eve.  He’s given them a really nice setup with things like “trees that are pleasing to the eye and good for food”.  He has a very swanky crib, I mean, he IS God after all.

In God’s sweet bachelor pad, there is only one rule:


Of course puppies being puppies, they don’t know right from wrong.  God just conjured them up in one microsecond in terms of the universal time scale, and now they’re supposed to follow all the rules to a T on day one?

It wasn’t long before God’s pet snake convinced Eve that she needn’t hold in her basic canine need while he was at work.  So she did what any puppy with a full bladder would do and she let a little urine out in the corner.

When God returned home, it didn’t take him long to figure out what Eve had done.  It took specifically four questions to get to the bottom of it.  On discovering the pee spot, he decided he was going to do a little more than rub her nose in it.  It turns out he is more of a generator of rescue-dogs than a rescue-dog saviour.  With Eve’s one indiscretion, the puppy beating began, not just for Adam and Eve, but for all puppies who came after them.

Does this story make any sense?  They were just puppies.  They didn’t know any better.

Next week on bible stories that don’t make sense: Revelation chapter 21, verses 9-24: If you’re really good down here, and if you don’t have dirty thoughts, and if you slough off material possessions, you’ll get to enter a tacky city that is described like your Grandma’s jewellery box on steroids: all gold, sapphires, and emeralds.

6 thoughts on “Why Does God Beat Puppies?

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