Banned: No No Things in The Go Go Thing

The automobile.  What a neat invention.  At one time expensive, now practically anyone can afford one.  With this accessibility come the ignorant masses.  Where there are sheep there are…

…Hawaiian Leis?

That’s right.  Some people think that post stuck to the middle of the windshield with the reflective thing on it is convenience rack for which they should hang any old thing they can think of.  They are wrong.  It’s actually a mirror for seeing what is behind the vehicle.  Hanging items there obstructs the view of the road and is very dangerous.

Can I hang my dreamcatcher there?  That’s better than a Lei, right?  No.  Not Cool.  Fuzzy Dice?  Used to be somewhat cool, but still bad.  CDs?  Even worse.  They reflect blinding light in whatever direction they happen to be spinning.  Soccer team memorabilia?  Religious stuff?  Definitely not!  Look, I’m not burning the Quran here, I’m just pointing out that hanging one from your rearview mirror will not only block your view, but it will weigh down your mirror.

If the Prime Dictator caught you with any mirror cling-ons, he would yank you out of your car, rip up your license, possibly give you a leaf-rake treatment, and burn down your car to make an example out of you.  Extreme?  No.  Because the dollar store crap we hang on our mirrors makes the road a more dangerous place other drivers, cyclists, and pedestrians.  And we should know better.

Speaking of knowing better:  Please DO NOT apply makeup while driving.  If you don’t know why this is dangerous and stupid, then you are dangerous and stupid.  If you didn’t leave enough time in the morning to do your makeup, turn it into an empowerment thing.  You can tell your co-workers, “Yeah.  I’m not really doing the whole makeup thing anymore.  It’s, like, so empowering to just know that I’m showing my true beauty.”  If anyone gives you a hard time just announce in a loud voice that you have a body-shamer on your hands and that person will get torn to shreds on social media.

Do you wear religious head coverings?  That’s cool, but if you can’t turn your head and see your blind spots, please don’t drive.  I don’t care what your specific diety requires you to adorn your head with, as long as you can see the road.  By the same logic, I restrict myself from wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up.  I used to feel all bad-ass with my hood popped, blaring Appetite for Destruction on the stereo.  Then I did the math and concluded, that the cyclist in my blind spot would prefer if I didn’t do that.

You might wonder, “Why are you so worried about blind spots and mirrors?  Don’t we have camera technology for this now?”  No. No. No.  That’s missing the point.  You need to know how to drive without all these cameras (that are eventually going to break and cost you a bundle anyways).  So many people rely on this technology now, that they can’t even park when they get into an unequipped vehicle.  I read an anecdote recently about a woman who didn’t know how to park, and a stranger left a note on her window that said she, “parked like a cunt”.  The poster of the article was making a point about toxic masculinity and how the language was inappropriate.  I could agree with that, but I still wanted to know how bad her parking was.  If you park like a cunt or a prick or an asshole or a dipshit or a moron, etc, you obviously don’t know the dimensions of your vehicle and that poses a danger to everyone.  License ripped up.  Leaf Rake.  Gas.  Match.  You know the drill.

Not to beat the blind spot horse to death(sorry PETA), but if you are too old or too obese to move your neck, then, in the words of the Soup Nazi (whos Seinfeld re-runs are causing quite the stir with the Millenials), “NO LICENSE FOR YOU!”

Did I miss any unsafe driving annoyances that the Prime Dictator should take a leaf rake to?  I would love to hear them.



7 thoughts on “Banned: No No Things in The Go Go Thing

  1. Well, OBVIOUSLY, people rolling along with one hand on the wheel while the other holds a phone, the thumb of that hand madly texting. I think this is far more dangerous than rearview mirror appendages. I see it almost daily. By people of all ages and sexes. I honk at them when I think it will help, but I wish there were a more direct to way to get their attention and say, “Please don’t endanger me.”

    My kids and I have brainstormed one. It’s little parachute that you launch like a missile. It flies through the air, inflates right before it hits their windshield, and adheres, covering most of the windshield (or side window) with a thin sheet of paper that says, “Don’t text and drive.” They can’t see the road, and have to pull over to remove it.

    Almost forgot … regarding reviews, you forgot my favorite dangly thing, one of those car air fresheners shaped like a little pine tree. I love those things.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I purposely omitted the pine tree thing because I actually use those from time to time. I know, hypocrisy… I also hate texting and driving. It is illegal here, but everyone still does it.


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