Stinking Thinking

“Stinking Thinking” is how Pete Townshend described some of the writings in Kurt Cobain’s collection of journals released in 2002. He described the term as one of the steps a drug addict goes through on his road to recovery.

When I look inwardly, I wonder if I am in stuck in a similar, perpetually negative thought cycle; my own neverending “Stinking Thinking” phase, where the only way out is to end it all.

Is it karmatic influence keeping me chained in darkness, or is it muscle memory – pathways etched in he brain, reinforced again and again over time?

Is it a deity from above dispensing punishment for past sins, or is it a universal correction – simple physics putting me into balance with the universe, like a magnet held with its north end facing another, certain to flip into equilibrium?

Does the world stage play a part? Maybe I don’t see enough kittens being rescued from trees on the nightly news. Perhaps that documentary I watched on the Holocaust was too much for this fragile soul to ingest.

If a person’s eyes are the windows to his soul, could my soul have developed PTSD from all the horrible media I have taken in?

It could be the chemicals in the food. It might be the wireless signals that are hurting the bees. Vitamin D deficiency?

Is answering the question of why my thinky is stinky even helpful? What if there’s nothing I can do?

A wise man once told me not to let my depression become my comfort zone. I assumed that statement was wise, for he was wise, but now I’m not so sure. How can something that is inherently uncomfortable become a comfort zone?

Welcome to my “Choose your own adventure” novel entitled, “Loser Unemployed Blogger Contemplates His Next Move”.

Should I reincarnate as someone/something new or stick it out here for the next 30-40 years?

4 thoughts on “Stinking Thinking

  1. 1. Please stick it out. I understand from your other posts that you have a wife and children. Also, you are a good writer and I like to read what you write, even when it’s about depression. The world is better because you are in it.

    2. These are valid questions you raise about the causes of depression/anxiety and why it is so stubborn. I do believe that there is a physical component, particularly when someone has been depressed for some time. A loved one of mine had severe depression and anxiety some time ago. It was arguably started by outside pressures combined with unhelpful self-talk … but once the depression had been going for a while, it took on a life of its own. The way we got over the hump was medication. I only regret that it took us – and everyone else – a long time to recognize what was going on and get some medical help. We kept thinking it would clear up on its own if we could just reduce outside pressures. It didn’t.

    I now believe that there can be a vicious cycle … when the depression/anxiety is physically entrenched in your mind and body, it can prevent you from thinking the thoughts and taking the actions that would tend to break its grip.

    Liked by 1 person

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