The Kevin Hart scandal is in the rearview mirror. The nominations are in. In the words of Terrell Owens, it’s time to, “Getch yo Popcorn ready.”
Who’s gonna win that beautiful gold trophy, I mean statuette, for best actress? Or is it best female actor? Am I allowed to say statuette, or is it female statue? Wait, I’m being told the statue is male, modelled after a knight; statuette is just a term that denotes a smaller than life-size statue. That’s weird, I coulda have sworn that little guy had breasts.
Back to Best Actress. There is serious talk that the category should be scrapped in favour of awarding a gender-neutral prize. How serious is the talk? More serious, like when they gender-neutralized O Canada and changed the lyric from, “In all thy sons command”, to “In all of us command”? Or less serious, like how they keep saying we just gotta do something about the Washington Redskins name and logo? Wait, now I’m being told the original lyrics to O Canada were gender-neutral in the first place. “Thou dost in us command” was the original lyric. Thank God (still in the lyrics) we got rid of those icky old words like thou, dost, and thy.
Sorry, but if you don’t live in Canada you probably don’t what the hell I’m talking about. If you were old enough to watch the 1992 and 1993 World Series you might have heard O Canada in all its glory. As a little bonus, you would’ve got to see the Marines holding our flag upside down.
Sorry if I’m losing you. I meant to open this blog post by saying I would be switching gears a lot. I wrote a blog post about literally switching gears if you’re interested. But then I thought I should start with something about the Kevin Hart tweets. My brain started coughing up blood and then I got nostalgic about the Blue Jays winning the world series. Two years in a row. That was so cool.
Oscars. Best actress. I was talking about whether we should nuke the best actor/actress category and go with a gender-neutral one (like MTV did for the Movie and TV award). Even though it doesn’t make logical sense, it sort of does. Confused? You think that’s confusing, you should feel what it’s like to be in one of the 31 distinct gender categories that New York City recognizes.
If the political correctness drum keeps beating the way I think it will, we will end up in a situation where the infinite gender-identities camp meets head-on with the binary-gender awards ceremony camp. That can’t happen. The Oscars will be considered too outdated and will stand out like a sore Chief Wahoo on a Cleaveland Indians’ thumb.
So what to do? Give out awards in the Best Gender Bender, Femme Queen, Cross-Dresser, and Gender Blender categories? I would probably tune in to the Oscars to see that. But let’s be real. We gotta get up for work the next day. Well, I don’t. I’m a loser, stay-at-home blogger. But you do and the awards already go on late enough. Just make it one category for “Best Person who Identifies as an Actor” and be done with it.
Changing gears. I would love to be a voter for the Oscars. I love movies. I mean films (Gotta try to sound smarter than I am). If I could sit around in my pyjamas and drink a couple of 12-packs it wouldn’t take me more than a couple of days to get through all the films nominated for Best Picture. I have the time on my hands anyway.
There’s only one problem. That’s not really how voters determine how to cast their vote. I’m not talking about the pyjamas and beer part. I’m talking about the actual watching of the movies. I mean films. That’s right folks – anonymous insiders have come out and stated that they don’t actually sit through all the films. To me it makes the whole spectacle seem like a farce.
Speaking of farces and politics, there might be a bigger lesson here: If you don’t pay attention to what you’re voting for, you might end up selecting the wrong actor. Like, literally, you might elect an actor. As president. And I’m not talking about Reagan.
So if the Oscars voting system is as “phony” as those big assets Trump was salivating over in the Access Hollywood tapes, how can we make it fair? We could let the people decide with their wallets at the box office. This year’s best picture goes to, “Avengers: Infinity War”.
We could do the same for the “Best Person who Identifies as an Actor” category. Whoever gets paid the most gets the award. Simple enough. This year’s award goes to… George Clooney. Wait, now I’m being told Clooney was not even in any movies, I mean films, in 2018. Okay, next on the list. This year’s award goes to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
No, no, wait. Now I’m being asked, “What about the gender pay gap?”. Crap, they’re right. Female actors are paid less than their male counterparts. If you think that’s bad, you should see what Drag Kings, Two-Spirits, and Butches are making.
I think this year I’ll not only tune out of the Oscars but out of the Matrix entirely.