The Great Bidet Debate

Let’s see how open-minded people truly are with the Great Bidet Debate.  Participation is mandatory folks.  This assignment will affect your final grade.

To bidet or not to bidet, that is the question.

As a kid, I only saw a bidet once.  I saw it at a classmate’s house when I spent the weekend there.  My friend explained to me that they didn’t really use it.

But he told me how it would be used if they did.

“Weird,” I thought.

Wait.  Are you perhaps having a moonshine moment?  I coined this term when someone I know was watching The Dukes of Hazzard and wondered what that strange word that kept saying, moonshine, meant.  There’s a chance that if you grew up in Western society, you may have never heard another strange word, bidet.

If you are having a moonshine moment, here is the Merriam-Webster four-one-one on bidet:

a bathroom fixture used especially for bathing the external genitals and the anal region

Sounds a little clinical when you put it like that.  I like this definition better:

a bathroom fixture that uses water to clean your butt

Why would we want something like that?  We already have the Keurig K-cup of butt wipe papers clogging up our sewers and they have been working just fine since 1857.  What did we do before that?  This article will help clear things up.

It seems that throughout history the best we could come up with was a sponge on a stick that the whole community used (gross), or shredded up newspapers.

To quote NotOvine:

Still wiping our ass with wads of paper.  Fuck might as well be living in a cave.

Am I basically a caveman?  What would an intelligent race of aliens think if they showed up down here and saw what we do in the bathroom?

I hate to say it, but I’m guessing they would beam up all the bidet users and give the earth the planet Alderaan treatment.

After keeping an open mind and thinking hard on it, I pretty much decided that the bidet is the way to go.  Having never used one, I can’t be one hundred percent sure.

So I queue up some YouTube:

This guy basically muses over why we use water to clean everything except the holiest of holies.

Okay, we know the issue at hand.  Now let’s get practical.

A few years ago, I would have totally dismissed the idea.  I would not have been willing to do a major bathroom renovation in order to install a bidet.  But now I live in the world of Amazon Prime.  I could buy an aftermarket bidet toilet seat that installs right on my existing toilet, and some guy in a Honda Civic will drop it off tomorrow.

Here are five of the best bidet toilet seats of 2018:

The Great Bidet Debate is as polarized as any issue can be.  We might as well be talking about abortion or gun control here.  Don’t believe me?  Read some of the YouTube comments.

So before this escalates into a national emergency, let’s talk.  We don’t need to tattoo a red toilet paper roll or a blue bidet on our arm.  We don’t need to print a bunch of “Bidet 2020” T-shirts.

This is a global issue.  Bidet use is like the metric system or the Robertson screwdriver.  Some countries have adopted these things, and some are, well stubborn. I’ll save The Great Robertson Screwdriver Debate and The Great Metric System Debate for another day and get back to the topic at hand.

Global bidet use.  It seems to be mandatory to have one installed in some European countries and is common in Asia, and some South American countries.  One country on the growing list of world bidet users stood out to me: Japan.

When it comes to bathrooms the Japanese have the most high-tech toilets I have ever seen.  Check it out:

I find myself in the unique position of advocating for something I have never tried myself.  I don’t know anyone who has a bidet, and I can’t fly to Italy or Japan just to give it a whirl.  I’ll have to shell out hard-earned cash and buy one of these aftermarket seats, and I won’t know until after the fact if I made the right choice.  So what should I do?

To bidet or not to bidet?  That is my question to you.


12 thoughts on “The Great Bidet Debate

      1. Ha ha. Well hung. That’s hilarious. Your father’s side is not far from where half of my ancestors originated. I’m basically 50% English and 50% Irish ancestry. Have you ever visited England?


  1. In Indonesia, bathrooms do not come equipped with toilet paper. Instead there is a bucket of water and a large plastic dipper with a handle. You use this to flush the toilet, and also to splash water on your bum should you feel the need.

    This makes a ton of sense in the tropics. It is very hot and everyone is wearing light clothing, so your bum dries out quickly. Trash disposal is more difficult, so you don’t want to fill up trash cans with TP (let alone the rivers, if you are using a river toilet). Toilets are squatty potties anyway, so odds are, if you go to use them you have already hung your pants on a hook.

    All of this makes less sense in a cold weather country with large, high capacity toilets. When it’s freezing outside, no one wants to take a half bath every time they go. When you’re using an outhouse and not a river, it makes sense to add something like paper to the … Ugh. Ok, I’ll stop there.

    So many cultural practices make perfect sense in their context but don’t work elsewhere.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Whenever participation was part of my grade, I weighed my options heavily to see if it were worth my verbal viewpoint or not; if any professor made participation 50% of the grade, they were deprived of verbal communication as a child, it’s the only thing I could think of at the time😂 Then I would quietly transfer out👻 of the course for something equal or less meaningful toward my GPA 🙄
    All of that to say…

    I would bidet, Definitely. Cleaner bums is the way to happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

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