Got your coffee or smoothie or green tea? Chai latte? Whatever your relaxing morning drink is?
Okay good. Now reach down and pull that lever on your easy chair. That’s right, put those feet up.
Great. Now grab that Sunday edition newspaper. It’s right there on the small table beside you. Put the sports section aside. You can check your scores later.
Right now I need you to flip to the unnecessary dead children section. It’s right next to the outdated religious traditions section:
Remember the five W’s? Any good news story should have them. Who, What, Where, When, and Why?
In this story, I think the Why is the most important. Dead kid – why? Bad decisions – why? Blindly following ancient traditions that make no sense -why? why? why?
Why do we do circumcisions in the first place?
Answer: It was commanded by the good Lord himself in the B-I-B-L-E. Here is one such verse that talks about it:
Genesis 17: 10-14 (NIV) – This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised. You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you. For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised, including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner—those who are not your offspring. Whether born in your household or bought with your money, they must be circumcised. My covenant in your flesh is to be an everlasting covenant. Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant.”
Sounds bad. On one hand, Abraham could ignore God and be cut off from his people. On the other hand, the end of his you-know-what would be cut off from the rest of it.
It reminds me of this hilarious Human Giant skit, where a guy cuts his shlong off for YouTube views:
Enough jokes. This story is about a dead kid. I know what you’re gonna say, “Black Sheep, relax. Don’t you know twenty-one kids die every minute on this yellow-dwarf-orbiting spheroid of garbage?”
“I know, I know. I watch the news. But how many of those deaths are completely unnecessary?”
I didn’t bring my statistician with me today to go over the numbers, but I can say with absolute confidence that at least one of those deaths could have been avoided. The five-month-old Italian baby did not have to die.
“Botched Home Circumcision” are three words that would not be heard in a sentence if the Prime Dictator was running the show.
Look, I get it. Some people want to do shit the old school way. For example, you can have a baby at home if you don’t like all the modern, satanic, life-saving gizmos at the hospital. I know someone who elected to give birth this way, and gosh-darn-it, when they started hemorrhaging blood after the delivery, they changed their mind and took Satan’s red cross chariot of lights to the nearest haunted hospital ASAP. Mom and baby were fine.
We all have a little agoraphobe in us. When I made my decision to get a vasectomy, I wondered, “Maybe I should just stop at the pharmacy and pick up the home vasectomy kit. I’ll just get this thing done in an afternoon in the privacy of my own home. That way I won’t have to go outside.”
Why wait three months for socialized medicine to be dispensed by an actual doctor? I don’t need professionals getting all serious with my silly parts.
This post isn’t about baby births and vasectomies. This is about Do-It-Yourself circumcision. Is this D-I-Y snip-job thing a new fad, or could I glean some ancient knowledge into the means of home circumcision? The information I needed was on fellow blogger mypbbooks’ Biblical Stupidity Part 490.
All you need for a D-I-Y snip is a sharp stone and an angry woman. Is this what happened to the poor boy in Italy?
My guess is no. In that case, I imagine that the family did try to do the smart thing and get the circumcision done by a doctor. There’s only one problem: Most doctors today realize how archaic this practice is and have stopped doing it.
After all, our penises aren’t like the bananas on the Instagram account, womeneatingbananas. They don’t need to be peeled.
Question: Should the Prime Dictator’s first order of business be to put an end to the practice of torturing (and risking the life of) baby boys by subjecting them to the excruciating pain of having their foreskin snipped off?