Botch Job (aka Practice Makes Perfect)

Professionals don’t know everything.  The run practices.

Your doctor is “practicing” on you, be he Suess, Oz, or Xavier or be she Bondar, or (if you’re okay with the plural use of singular pronouns), be they a Bowers.

Practice makes perfect, but you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

As the decades roll on by, your doctor hits the “sweet spot”.  Young enough to keep up-to-date on all the new innovations, but old enough to have some practice under his/her/their belt.

Dentists are doctors, too.  So are some university-educated academics.  When academics practice, they might explain away how that 1600 ton block got moved by saying that some unknown civilization harnessed up 800 oxen with jute rope and started whipping them along.  When doctors practice, they might tell you that it is imperative that you get your wisdom teeth removed.  They might then botch up the surgery entirely.  Don’t worry.  They have insurance for such occasions.

Let’s pretend your dentist is a baseball player.  Why baseball?  Because I like baseball a lot, because I’m going to the home opener in a couple days, because I want to segway into a cool video, and because I said so!

Baseball players need practice just like dentists.  Sometimes you get a dentist like Jose Bautista.  You wouldn’t want him working on you in 2005 when he’s hitting .143 with 0 home runs.  He still needs more practice.

You want him in the 2015 season.  40 home runs.  114 RBIs.  You want him working on your teeth during the 7th inning of game 5 of the American League Division Series.  See below video if you have any questions:

Now your dentist might not quite be at that level yet.  He/she/they might be just getting their first at-bat in the majors.  Or maybe they’re past their prime, for example:

Wisdom teeth are like appendixes.  No, his is not an English-and-grammar-Nazi-trap.  I did not mean appendices.  I looked it up.  It’s appendixes.  Appendixes, like wisdom teeth, will sometimes get removed from our bodies at the practicing dentist’s request. Unlike your appendix, which is basically a hand grenade in your body, with the sole purpose of threatening to explode one day, your wisdom teeth are pretty harmless.

That’s not what the dentist will tell you.  He’ll say that you better get those sons-of-bitches out A.S.A.P. or you’re going to have trouble down the road.

Well, I am having trouble down the road, and you know what?  Having my wisdom teeth removed was the most likely cause.  I guess when God designed the human body, he wanted to make sure dentists could always afford the best yachts possible.

Wait.  I live in Canada.  All my health stuff is covered, right?  Let’s see.  If I needed my appendix out, that’s free of charge.  If I want to pop out a baby, or get my tubes tied, or get my you-know-what turned inside out to make it into a you-know-hoo-hoo, that’s all on the taxpayers’ dime.

Not teeth though.  You need insurance for that (which I don’t have).  If only I had invested that $10,000 for my wisdom teeth removal ten years ago into Bitcoin.  I’d be a bazillionaire now.  Instead, the botched surgery has led to other issues and I’ll get to fork out another six or seven Gs before it’s all said and done.

The cool thing is that I have options:

Option 1: Become a human-ceramic hybrid.  Let the tooth die and fall out naturally, or extract it.  Replace with a false tooth.  Impress the children by being able to remove my tooth on demand.

Option 2: Become a human-metal-ceramic hybrid.  Remove the tooth.  Use a tap-and-die set to insert a metal anchor in the jawbone.  Put a fake tooth on that anchor.  Caveat: may lead to more problem$ down the road.

Option 3: Become a human-cow-pig hybrid.  This one is my favourite.  Cut the gums.  Scrape off some human bone from jaw.  Mix human bone with cow bone.  Mix human-cow-bone with pig hormone.  Put the mixture under the tooth and voila, new bone will grow.  Maybe.  If all goes according to plan.

Don’t worry.  I’m confident Mister Suess has had plenty of practice.



9 thoughts on “Botch Job (aka Practice Makes Perfect)

  1. You are really right that diagnosis is not a mechanical process. It involves large helpings of skill, experience, and luck.

    I was trying to explain to my kids the other day why we usually get our wisdom teeth out, and … I couldn’t remember. I thought it was because they often don’t erupt, and that’s somehow … bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally agree with you take on diagnosis… but in addition to skill, experience, and luck I would add motive. Is the provider motivated to provide the best possible care, or are they motivated to sell as many services as possible? In some cases, it might be one and the same.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My team, the Orioles, has almost been entirely replaced last season. Why cheer for them? Definitely not for the name… Probably because, since they are local, I’ll always be able to find a game and watch other teams beat the crap out of them…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always cheer for the home team even during the bad times (and there are a lot).
      The Orioles were pretty good for a few years and they’ll be good again. I saw them beat the Blue Jays in Toronto a couple years ago.
      Also I was lucky enough to be at at the 2016 Wild Card game when the Jays hit the walk off home run.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Turn your you know what inside out into a you know hoo hoo…OMG! LOL!

    Sooooo…everything is covered except teeth? Did some hack screw up your wisdom teeth?

    I never had mine removed. Oh no. I had four extractions prior to their arrival. First year molars came out for braces. I did have one wisdom go bad on me (bad cavity) but, had to have the one above it pulled because it was sliding out of my head. Nothing wrong with the tooth, other than it was missing its mate below. I still have the other two…such as they are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Most medical things are covered here. Elective procedures are not usually covered. Dental and eyewear are not usually covered.

      It sounds like you had some fun at the dentist too.


      1. Yeah. Fun. Lots of FUN…if FUN stood for ‘F***** Up Nonsense’.

        Tooth health has been a lifelong battle. I had healthy baby teeth. After that, the SAD will destroy tooth health. I didn’t learn how to eat properly (healthy) until 2009.

        I’m missing seven teeth. The six I mentioned above and one second year molar (upper right) that I think was in better shape than the dentist said it was. It was ground down for my one and only crown. Three years & $3,500 later, bye-bye crown & tooth (grinding costs, crown costs, removal costs). I still have a head full of metal & composites. No other crowns and no bridges. And, years ago, I started the habit of swishing with coconut oil every morning. Oil pulling is an ancient practice and it helps. Cleanses the mouth, helps to remove infections and assists with clearing sinuses. I’m not kidding. Look up oil pulling.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve heard of oil pulling. It was actually recommended to me by a dental hygienist. I have not tried it yet.

        Sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time with your teeth.

        What is SAD, out of curiosity?


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