Owner’s Manual for The Mind

The mind.  I’m not a doctor and I’m not a researcher so I can assure you that I’m not “qualified” to talk about the mind.  I don’t have a framed piece of paper hanging up in the study, granting me expertise.  I haven’t read many (if any) books on the subject.

Now that I have given you my qualifications, allow me to speak freely about my mind.  Although I am not the engineer who designed this sophisticated computer that sits on top of my chicken neck, I have quite a bit of experience using it.

I did not draw up the blueprints.  I did not build the damn thing.  I didn’t even read the manual.  But I have over 300,000 hours of flight time.

Sure, I didn’t always operate it by the book.  Somewhere around 17,000 hours of operation, I caused a traumatic event that nearly rendered it permanently inoperable.  But just as Neil Armstong returning to the cockpit after nearly exploding in the Lunar Landing Research Vehicle, I rebooted my mind and took control.  Aside from the bruised brain and vomitting, I was back to “normal” in no time.

Physical damage.  Psychadelic drugs.  Bicycle crashes.  Baseballs.  Punches to the head.  This ground beef of a computer has taken its licks.  I’m thankful that I wasn’t a famous actor dabbling in equestrian.  I’m glad I didn’t subject myself to 11,236 rushing yards in the game of football.  We know how those scenarios turn out.

At 300,000 plus hours of brain time, I’m done with drugs and risky athletics.  I still drive the 401 highway with a bunch of morons who never took physics (one metre of space does not equal a safe following distance).  So other than the likelihood I will be rendered braindead on my nation’s busiest highway, the old thinker is generally out of harm’s way.  Physical harm that is.

Mentally speaking, I’m still revving this thing way past the red line.  In the words of Charlotte “Charlie” Blackwood, “I won’t be happy unless I’m going Mach 2 with my hair on fire.”

And did I mention that “The Mind” manual calls for premium gas, but I’m just giving it crappy GMO food, beer, and coffee?

Those poisons are toxic enough, but the real noxious stuff I’m feeding her is The News.  That’s right.  I am causing mental insanity by watching the news.  Just listen to these headlines:

Talking about Canada, Trump boasts, “We’ve made them nice”

Typical click-bait headline designed to make my brain ache.  We were already nice before Trump and we will be a lot nicer after he finally goes away.

2 men arrested after shooting each other while wearing bulletproof vest

Damn.  If they just aimed a little higher.

Pakistani woman says husband beat her, shaved her head after she refused to dance

Hello Prime Dictator?  Can you please get down here?  Bring the large leaf rake, please.

Newborn undergoes surgery after suffering stab wounds


Consuming placenta poses serious health risks to mom and baby

I tried to read this article but it was giving me this weird feeling like I had to throw up.  I did learn that eating something that fell out of the vagina is so gross that the celebrities have to turn it into smoothies or grind it up into pills in order to choke it down.  It’s not so surprising that this occurs in a world where the same celebrities are rubbing hand cream made of baby foreskins on their faces.  Sigh.

I could do this all day, but “The Mind” manual highly discourages it.  In fact, under the section “keeping your sanity after 300,000 hours operation” it has the following advice:

Turn off your computer, go outside, and solve a Suduko puzzle.




5 thoughts on “Owner’s Manual for The Mind

  1. “A smartphone in your hand does not mean a brain in your head” is one of the smartest human utterances I’ve heard in the least month or so. My immediate response to your “smartphone” comment was to think about it. I followed that up by laughing, crying, and then falling to the ground to writhe around–what I did looked a lot like a fit or something similar–for a good five minutes or so.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reading the news will destroy brain cells. But, I suppose you could grow more if you chew on parts of a used baby carriage. Salt might help.

    I’m no Trump fan but, we dodged an HRC bullet. What sheer terror comes after him? Occasional-Kotex? Civil War Part Deux?

    Yikes. Now, I’M losing brain cells…and gaining indigestion.

    I think I’ll just go to bed. 😴

    Liked by 1 person

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