Everyone once in a while an aberration of nature comes along and it needs to be put down.
When the Prime Dictator bans a product for the good of our species, he has to think about it. He doesn’t take these bans lightly.
So far he has banned the Keurig K-Cup system (wasteful), Wellies (stupid on dry days), Boxy Girls (for teaching our girls sheep-like behaviour), The no-pitch intentional walk (for making baseball cater to attention deficits), bad vehicular behaviour (stupid drivers), and of course, this thing (the inventor should be shot, or at least leaf-raked pretty vigorously).
A dishonourable mention goes to this:
If you invented, manufactured, or distributed this, please put a garden rake on your lawn with the tines up and step on it hard immediately. If you need a product to hold your sodium-delivery system while you drive, you are on your way to a heart attack anyway.
Speaking of sodium, let’s talk about lunch meat. Most (if not all) lunch meat is bad. Along with sodium, it has nitrates. Sometimes it has listeria. Sometimes it has bits of plastic and metal packaged in with it.
I am a guilty consumer of lunch meat. I get bored with peanut butter and jam sandwiches for lunch sometimes. From time to time I’ll grab some fresh deli meat from the butcher, but that stuff is expensive.
The Prime Dictator understands that people have free will. That’s why he doesn’t like banning food products too often. Sometimes we like to consume something unhealthy just because it tastes good. Different people have different dietary restrictions. Diet does not have a one-size-fits-all solution.
But some products (like aspartame-laced soda pop) are so egregious that they deserve a full-out ban. Some products (like the hot-dogs that a brain doctor told me never to feed my child) don’t deserve shelf space in a forward-thinking society.
So The Prime D is going to do the local Food Basics a big favour and save them a couple of linear feet of shelf space today. He hereby declares an all-out ban on this:
That’s right. If sloppy, wet, flavourless ham from a plastic pouch wasn’t bad enough, this one has little bits of soggy macaroni and so-called “cheese” embedded into it.
If you’re older than ten years old and you actually like this, next Thanksgiving you can sit beside my friend Donald at the kids’ table. He’s having a big, burnt steak with a side of Heinz.
If you’re just a kid and you like this, don’t worry, you will grow out of it.
If you’re my dog and you like this, that’s okay. You spend half the day licking your balls.
No offence, Schneiders, but I think my dog’s balls would taste better and have less sodium.