Have you ever watched “Weekend Update” on Saturday Night Live? I used to love it when Norm MacDonald was still delivering “the news”. Like all good things, it came to an end when he was fired for making too many O.J. Simpson jokes. That was back when some people still thought The Juice was innocent.
Twenty-one years later, Orenthal James, aka The Juice is once again “on the loose”. Norm MacDonald is still funny, and the news still leaves plenty of jokes ripe for the picking, if you are comedically inclined.
I am not.
I am a serious kind of guy. This morning I almost killed myself because someone threw out the last of the cream of mushroom soup I made. I was going to eat that for lunch.
So when I read a news story like:
“First modified salmon to hit Canadian stores”
I can’t think of any good jokes. Maybe I don’t find genetically modified salmon that funny. Let’s see, is there anything funny about Environment Canada loosening up the regulations so that a foreign company can cash in on feeding us “AquAdvantage” salmon? I didn’t think so.
That story was a little fishy, but maybe there’s something better.
Here’s a story about gas. You know, that million-year-old dinosaur goop that we pump out of the ground at a huge cost to the environment? The stuff that goes up in price every long weekend because of “tensions in the middle east”. The stuff that cost me fifty cents per litre in 1996. I remember as the price approached one dollar per litre, people would swear, “If fuel ever goes over a buck a litre, I’m going to park my car and take the bus.”
Okay, ready for the punchline:
“Gas is up in price for the tenth straight week in a row”
There must be some terrorism happening at one of the oil fields. We should definitely deploy some troops into a sandy region to deal with this. Maybe we should look the other way at a few more of Saudi Arabia’s pesky human rights violations and toss a few more billions of dollars their way.
Jeez. That got really serious. Sorry about that. That gas story was way too incendiary. Let’s find something a little less volatile.
Here’s a nice one.
“Canadian Researchers Find Sharp Increase in Suicide Attempts by Children: study”
Haha. Get it? The kids are so depressed they try to kill themselves! Hilarious. I bet it has to do with all the genetically modified salmon they are eating.
Do you like suicide jokes? Here’s another one:
“Almost One-third of Canadians Who Have Attempted Suicide Have Migraine”
Why do so many Canadians get migraines? That’s an interesting question and there is only one way to get to the bottom of it: First, academics in the health community will have to publish studies for their own career advancement (hopefully, they are honest and aren’t just trying to make a name for themselves). Next, drug companies will have to test out some new concoctions. Don’t worry, if Health Canada is as loosey-goosey as Environment Canada, they should get their drug approvals in no time. Their new drugs won’t be covered by insurance so the patients will have to mortgage their houses to afford them. Finally, a new study will come out. It will be revealed that the true reason for all the migraines is the same reason that Canada has the highest rate of Multiple-Sclerosis in the world: IT’S THE GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SALMON!!!
You guys are probably at the end of your rope with all these suicide jokes. Let’s change gears. The big story today (going south of the border now to the New York Times), is:
“Julian Assange Charged by U.S. With Conspiracy to Hack a Government Computer”
Good. They finally got him. He’s been spreading all that icky information about all the evil that goes on behind closed doors and it has been quite embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as the whole Eddie Snowden thing. We can all sleep soundly now that he is locked up.
But Conspiracy to Hack a Government Computer? That sounds more like the work of the Russians than a journalist. Maybe Assange has a “Marty McFly” complex. You know, if someone calls him a chicken; if someone dares him to hack, he has to do it.
Maybe someone in a high position of power said to him “Assange, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press. Let’s see if that happens. That’ll be next.”