The News: Side Effects May Include Brain Pain

Do you suffer from brain pain, like me?

The National Post did an 878 word story titled, “The mystery of Julian Assange’s cat”.  I’m curious about what’s going to happen to him, not his feline friend.  Sorry, not really a cat person.  My head hurts.

So I take two Advil.

Kim Kardashian is becoming a lawyer.  Not in the traditional way of going to boring old law school, but by apprenticeship (just like Abe Lincoln did).  In an interview with Vogue magazine, she said, “To me, torts is the most confusing, contracts the most boring, and crim law I can do in my sleep. Took my first test, I got a 100. Super easy for me. The reading is what really gets me. It’s so time-consuming. The concepts I grasp in two seconds.”

Crim law, she can do in her sleep!  With the state of justice in this world, let’s be thankful there’s a top-notch lawyer coming down the pipe that can abbreviate her fav things, like crim law.  She’s so woke.  LOL.  Law is her BFF.

After watching her husband speaking with Trump in the following video, and watching her perform in a different video (if you know what I mean), I couldn’t think of a better person to help balance the scales of justice.

If you didn’t give yourself a lobotomy after watching that, I have some more headache to share with you.

Jussie Smollet is back in the news.  Chicago wants to sue his ass!  The lawsuit that was filed is demanding $390,000 plus legal fees to cover some 1836 hours of overtime incurred while a couple dozen officers and detectives investigated his claims.

It makes the head hurt that simple (Thou shalt not lie) has become so complicated these days, or as Kim would say, so comp.

Speaking of Kim, did you know Jong-un was re-elected as North Korea’s leader?  The country’s state propaganda, er, I mean state media said it was because of his, “outstanding ideological and theoretical wisdom and experienced and seasoned leadership”.

If the world has so many wise leaders, why are there so many problems?

It’s gotta be the goddamn millennials’ fault.  All the poisoned food, fluoride, vaccines, smartphones, and terrible superhero movies have made them go stupid.  Just look at this dumb bitch, throwing a chair off of a high-rise building in Toronto:

What about this other beeatch, pushing her friend off of a bridge (friends don’t give friends punctured lungs where I come from):

Sorry folks, that’s all the news I can handle for one day.

I’m going to find a tines-up rake I can stomp on.  Painkillers aren’t strong enough for this brain ache.

tines-up-rake

 

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