Hell. We say “H-E-Double Hockey Sticks” when kids are around. My kid calls hell the “H” word.
It’s such a scary place that you can’t even say it. It scares the shit out of some men so badly that they are afraid to glance at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition for fear of frying eternally.
Throughout history, human explorers have gone to some scary places. We just cleaned up the bodies of former explorers who thought it would be fun to climb Mount Everest. As a child, I looked in a book about the Franklin Expedition and saw what can happen when exploration goes wrong. Neil Armstrong nearly died a handful of times trying to get to the moon.
Going to unknown places is dangerous, but it has its rewards.
For example, you can plant the flag from the country you are from. You get your name in the history books. Chicks will want to get to know you. You can make checkmarks on your bucket list. If you can take the heat, you can have the reward.
There is no hotter place than hell. Or is there? Well, that depends on where hell actually is. More on that coming up.
Heat doesn’t bother me. When everyone is complaining about how hot it is in July, I am usually enjoying the – excuse my French – hell out of it. You see, I freeze all winter long in the cold Canadian winter, and then in the summertime, the air conditioner makes the house feel like winter. The only escape is to go outside and soak up the cancer-causing ultraviolet rays.
So when I hear stories about a place that has the thermostat turned up to the max twenty-four seven, it piques my interest. I’m not a brave explorer, though. The unknown sort of freaks me out.
The Good Book says that if I stare at enough cleavage and steal enough candy bars, I can find my way there naturally when I die (as long as I don’t repent).
A real explorer wouldn’t wait that long. He would mount an expedition and go where no man has gone before. Like Buzz Lightyear, he would “go to infinity and beyond”.
First, he would need a map. Good thing the Bible provides a pretty good one: Down. As far as I can tell, the location of hell in the Bible is “down”. Down as in “cast them down to hell”, “down to the depths of hell”, “descend to the chambers of death”, “down into the pit’, etc.
In the Book of Job, Satan himself tells God where he has been hiding out: “From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it”.
In our pursuit for minerals and dinosaur goop to fuel our cars, it’s amazing we haven’t found hell yet. I guess we just haven’t dug deep enough. So why is Donald Trump wasting money building walls and going to the moon when we have unexplored territory right beneath us?
Let’s divert all those funds into building a giant drill (like the one Bruce Willis uses in the movie Armeggedon). Then we can finally go to the hottest place in the universe.
Hold on, I’ve got Bill Nye on the phone. He has finished educating Ken Ham about Noah’s Ark (see here) and he has some information for me:
According to science, the hottest known thing in the universe is here on earth, but it’s not the 10,800 Fahrenheit magma core. The highest temperature actually occurs in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider. The physicists at CERN have seen temperatures reaching 9.9 trillion degrees Fahrenheit. That’s 366,000 times hotter than the sun. It seems the ritual sacrifice CERN claims was merely a hoax, was really a ceremony to pay homage to Satan who lives inside the Large Hadron Collider.
Have you ever read something so unbelievable?
Pack your bags and get your passport folks. This expedition is going to Switzerland.