Did you know people are writing blogs from their toddler’s perspective? Cute. Apparently, this is “a thing” now, like the selfie stick, the Keurig coffee brewing system, and this thing. Maybe toddler blogs have been “a thing” for quite some time and I have been asleep at the wheel again, the nuances of our diverse society passing me by.
I recollected that time I went to the mall and Justin Bieber was autographing twenty-dollar T-shirts for a lineup of tweens.
My response: “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?”
Out of touch. Getting old. Can’t keep my Iggy Azaleas straight from my Nikki Minaj’s.
It happened again today when I saw this news story about Lacey Evans being rude to an Edmonton cop.
“Who the fuck is Lacey Evans?”
“WWE Superstar! You should know exactly who I am!” she informs the officer in the video attached to the story.
“Welcome to Edmonton,” the policeman says with a smile.
More like, “Welcome to reality.” Virtual reality. Reality TV.
Now I have become aware of Toddler Blogs and I don’t know what to make of them.
There are so many more important news pieces to cover today: Prime Ministers apologizing for brown faces. Football players and priests raping. Destruction of our environment and food from an endless number of sources. Millions of people believing that angels will come down and rapture us up into a city in the clouds. Gold bars to rest their feet on and fluffy cloud pillows to rest their heads on while they listen to Beethoven’s Symphony Number 6 on their Sony Walkmans.
While the above are important stories, the election (CAN) is a month away, the football players and priests will keep doing what they do, and I’ve been waiting for the end times since Y2K.
So today the roulette wheel in my head stopped at “Toddler Blogs”.
It’s just that I get so angry when a wrestling bimbo appears in my news feed and calls Canada terrible because she got caught speeding.
But I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. So out of courtesy for those who like to pretend babies can write blogs, I will not publicly make fun of Toddler Blogs. Instead, here is an excerpt from my dog’s blog:
…Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! There goes a squirrel. Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark! A pizza slice fell on the floor. Argh! I can’t get traction on this laminate floor. Daddy picked up the pizza and put in in the garbage can. That coffee-drinking sonofabitch. Argh! I wanna bite him so bad. Goddamn it, I’m going to go shred up some Kleenex on the master bedroom floor. Then I’m going to jump on the bed and lick myself for a few on the new duvet. That asshole just works on his blog all day. He hasn’t let me go outside and roll in the feces of other animals even once this week. Next time I get outside I’m gonna dig a big hole in the middle of the yard. Oh good, he just turned on the TV. Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark…