Toddler Blogs

Did you know people are writing blogs from their toddler’s perspective?  Cute.  Apparently, this is “a thing” now, like the selfie stick, the Keurig coffee brewing system, and this thing. Maybe toddler blogs have been “a thing” for quite some time and I have been asleep at the wheel again, the nuances of our diverse society passing me by.

I recollected that time I went to the mall and Justin Bieber was autographing twenty-dollar T-shirts for a lineup of tweens.

My response: “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?”

Out of touch.  Getting old.  Can’t keep my Iggy Azaleas straight from my Nikki Minaj’s.

It happened again today when I saw this news story about Lacey Evans being rude to an Edmonton cop.

“Who the fuck is Lacey Evans?”

“WWE Superstar!  You should know exactly who I am!” she informs the officer in the video attached to the story.

“Welcome to Edmonton,” the policeman says with a smile.

More like, “Welcome to reality.”  Virtual reality.  Reality TV.

Now I have become aware of Toddler Blogs and I don’t know what to make of them.

There are so many more important news pieces to cover today:  Prime Ministers apologizing for brown faces.  Football players and priests raping.  Destruction of our environment and food from an endless number of sources.  Millions of people believing that angels will come down and rapture us up into a city in the clouds.  Gold bars to rest their feet on and fluffy cloud pillows to rest their heads on while they listen to Beethoven’s Symphony Number 6 on their Sony Walkmans.

While the above are important stories, the election (CAN) is a month away, the football players and priests will keep doing what they do, and I’ve been waiting for the end times since Y2K.

So today the roulette wheel in my head stopped at “Toddler Blogs”.

If I can’t say anything nice, I should not say anything at all, right?

It’s just that I get so angry when a wrestling bimbo appears in my news feed and calls Canada terrible because she got caught speeding.

But I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.  So out of courtesy for those who like to pretend babies can write blogs, I will not publicly make fun of Toddler Blogs.  Instead, here is an excerpt from my dog’s blog:

…Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!  There goes a squirrel.  Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark!  A pizza slice fell on the floor.  Argh!  I can’t get traction on this laminate floor.  Daddy picked up the pizza and put in in the garbage can.  That coffee-drinking sonofabitch.  Argh!  I wanna bite him so bad.  Goddamn it, I’m going to go shred up some Kleenex on the master bedroom floor.  Then I’m going to jump on the bed and lick myself for a few on the new duvet.  That asshole just works on his blog all day.  He hasn’t let me go outside and roll in the feces of other animals even once this week.  Next time I get outside I’m gonna dig a big hole in the middle of the yard.  Oh good, he just turned on the TV.  Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark…







31 thoughts on “Toddler Blogs

      1. Really??????? Which genesis story? I’m assuming genesis is the first, and their are so many stories, none I can think of involving dogs though – other than maybe the ark.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The one known as “the fall”. A talking snake makes Adam and Eve eat apples. The only other talking animal I know about in the Bible is a donkey (in the book of Numbers). There are no talking dogs that I know of.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ah, I get it. Wasn’t sure what you meant. No other talking animals I can think of though a lot of stories about people able to understand animal talk. I think in the book of kings when it comes to king saul. Though it’s my memory from school….

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I didn’t know who she was, either. And Iggy and Nikki look alike, I think.

    Baby blogs… I have not seen many of those, but I’ve seen plenty of cat/ dogs blogs with the same premise (written from their perspective, or what is meant to look like their perspective). Idiotic? Yes. Popular? Yes. There you have it – an easy recipe for success.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You know, an interconnected family story with blogs for each person (and animal) probably would catch on but it isn’t my cup of tea either.

        The day I sign up my dog for Twitter is the day you know I’ve finally gone insane.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. This made me laugh. I think the idea of toddler blogs is cute if done well. You chose absurdity. Whereas it can be cute too. Like the letters from WordPress. Or anything.
    Love, light and glitter

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Joke. I meant that I could write a post as though I was wordpress. That if something is written well it could be fun to read, if it’s bad writing than it won’t be. The voice used isn’t the main thing. I loved one of my blogger friends posts that she wrote as though from a squirrel (not her usual style), because it told her story, just from the squirrels point of view rather than her own. Same story and same writing. I never knew people did that. Used their toddlers voices. I think everything has potential. That everything, or almost everything, can be either good or bad, depending on how it is done. Why’m I writing such a long comment about nonsensicality?

        Any plans for the week?

        Love, light and glitter

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Your dog sounds like as much of an a$$hole as mine! He waits until we go out, then runs to my daughter’s room and grabs whichever soft toy is her favourite. He brings them out to the lounge and just leaves them out in the middle, like look what I can do!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m still stuck on the damn shower curtain. Seriously?

    Iggy…Azalea? Iggy Pop just choked on a sandwich. Lacey Evans…who? A rapture of angels? Toddler blogs…what news agency(ies) are you reading? I’m getting this “News of the Weird” vibe.

    Beans is funny, tho…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It seems weird, but it’s real. Unless it’s fake news. You will never know unless you were there and even then, you could be looking at a hologram.

      That shower curtain is definitely real. It’s the type of thing we would come up with.


  5. Have you seen the vlogs from a toddlers perspective? As a toddler mom, I absolutely hate them! You can tell the parents are teaching the child what to say to fit their agenda for the video, of course, and they are always disrespectful. Its passing on bad manners to the kid because the parents think it’s funny. *rolls eyes*

    Liked by 1 person

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