The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back

This post is not about humps or humping.  It’s about straws.  Plastic ones.

It’s impressive how the politicians of the world are putting aside their petty differences and getting to the business of making the world a better place.  Some of them have taken their sights off of each other and aimed them at the small, hollow cylinders that get stuck in the bellies of sea turtles.

But first, a word from our sponsors:  Beer.  The six-pack variety, specifically.

Turn back the clock to the mid-to-late eighties.  The Chernobyl disaster had just occurred.  There was a big hole in the ozone layer.  Humans, or sheep, as I (and the Bible) like to refer to them were up to their usual malpractice of shitting where they eat.  Where there was eating, there was drinking, and what better beverage than a six-pack of Coors Light?

In those days I had a teacher who really cared about the environment.  Even though we were far below the legal drinking age, she showed us how to cut the plastic six-pack rings so seagulls wouldn’t get their heads stuck in them.  Society wasn’t diverting any of those pesky rings from the landfill, of course.  Don’t be silly.  It was only the eighties.  Recycling trucks were poised to save the planet, that much was for sure, but first, we had to seal up that pesky hole in the ozone layer.

As the great George W. Bush would say, “Mission Accomplished”.

With the ozone hole all sealed up like my freshly caulked eavestroughs, we could focus again on recycling.

I was as shocked as you to realize much of our plastic waste doesn’t get recycled and ultimately ends up in the ocean.  And most of it is single-use crap that nobody needs.

Now, if the Prime Dictator was in power, he could just ban the damn “single-use plastics” altogether, but he’s not.  We live in a democracy.  On the straw front, this means politicians, the straw industry, disabled folks, every fast-food chain in existence, and people who never graduated from sippy-cups will get to have their say.

Well, here is my say: If any of the above “need” a straw to meet their requirements, guess what?  We have the technology to provide this.  Stainless steel straw.  Bamboo straw.  Cardboard straw.  Cut the ends off of a Twizzlers licorice and, ta-da, you have a straw.

Case dismissed.

For fuck sakes, is this really so difficult?  Bill Gates! Quit trying to fix polio and build safer nuclear reactors!  We need your genius and billions of dollars to combat the straw problem!  Elon!  Quit sending cars into orbit with our sun and get your ass over here!  We have a major straw epidemic!

I say, make the Fast Food Industry fix their problem.  Remember the ozone layer issue?  In the eighties, people walked right up to Ronald McDonald himself and demanded he serves his delicious Big Macs in something other than a polystyrene container.  You know, to avoid the pesky ozone-depleting chlorofluorocarbons.  CFCs.  They were a big deal in the eighties.

Eventually, Ronnie switched to cardboard.

Back to the present day.  Some places are providing cardboard straws now.  Great.  Why am I poking them through a plastic lid?  Oh wait, I’m not, because drinking soda pop is not how I get my kicks.  If it was, I would definitely question why the male end of a cardboard straw is going through the female part of a single-use plastic lid.  This makes less sense than sending a car into space, and it makes way less sense than drinking soda pop in the first place.

Since we have the technology to send cars into space and make sugary beverages, can we pretty-please-with-extra-glucose-on-top fix the fructose-ing environmental problems down here?

If only Canada had a political party that cares about the environment…  Wait, we do have the Green Party.  Last week while Justin Trudeau of the Liberals was trying to apologize his way out of his self-inflicted blackface scandal, guess what the Greens were up to?

Would you believe me if I said they were photoshopping a reusable cup and metal straw into the hands of their party’s leader?

It’s true.  This is the last straw.



29 thoughts on “The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back

  1. “…why the male end of a cardboard straw is going through the female part of a single-use plastic lid.”


    “Would you believe me if I said they were photoshopping a reusable cup and metal straw into the hands of their party’s leader?
    It’s true.  This is the last straw.”

    ****While that is the last straw; Sadly you are stuck with him, much like I am stuck with my orange-haired one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you liked my “jokes”. They’d be funnier if they weren’t so real.

      True, we will probably get stuck with Trudeau again. The one who photoshopped the straw was the Green Party leader, Elizabeth May.


      1. Nine times out of 10 I will opt-out of using a straw, even to (gasp) putting my mouth on the glass – it has been washed right?
        Good golly, I might consider moving to Canada if we get Trump again.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t do sodas, so I’m in the clear. Oh, wait a minute, I’m not. I got a protein shake a couple of weeks back and the usual plastic straw were not there. A paper straw… it kind of grossed me out, but I gave it a try. Do you remember your childhood days during which you insisted on eating paper? That’s how my shake tasted. Utter garbage. Then, I went out to a restaurant and ordered a water and got a paper straw. By then, I knew better than to drink paper tainted water, so I drank the water straight from the glass, crossing my fingers that there were no major germs on the rim.

    I can’t wait for a lawsuit from a person who chips their tooth because of a stainless steel straw or whatnot.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Card straws are nasty though. They go all mushy and useless in a mcdonalds shake for example, unless you are crazy enough to knock it back as fast as possible and deal with the deadly brain-freeze side effect.

    Not sure how to replace lids to be honest. They are kind of necessary to stop your drink sloshing over in your car or spilling out while walking dowb a street. I think a re-usable cup is the best overall answer but fast food places like mcdonalds aren’t set up to accept cups from people, fill them up and make sure that the right people get them back.

    Perhaps if they prepped all of your food, then took a cup from you aa you were collecting and made thw drink last, in front of you? It might work if they added a financial discount incentive to get people to do it.

    Liked by 1 person

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