This post is not about humps or humping. It’s about straws. Plastic ones.
It’s impressive how the politicians of the world are putting aside their petty differences and getting to the business of making the world a better place. Some of them have taken their sights off of each other and aimed them at the small, hollow cylinders that get stuck in the bellies of sea turtles.
But first, a word from our sponsors: Beer. The six-pack variety, specifically.
Turn back the clock to the mid-to-late eighties. The Chernobyl disaster had just occurred. There was a big hole in the ozone layer. Humans, or sheep, as I (and the Bible) like to refer to them were up to their usual malpractice of shitting where they eat. Where there was eating, there was drinking, and what better beverage than a six-pack of Coors Light?
In those days I had a teacher who really cared about the environment. Even though we were far below the legal drinking age, she showed us how to cut the plastic six-pack rings so seagulls wouldn’t get their heads stuck in them. Society wasn’t diverting any of those pesky rings from the landfill, of course. Don’t be silly. It was only the eighties. Recycling trucks were poised to save the planet, that much was for sure, but first, we had to seal up that pesky hole in the ozone layer.
As the great George W. Bush would say, “Mission Accomplished”.
With the ozone hole all sealed up like my freshly caulked eavestroughs, we could focus again on recycling.
I was as shocked as you to realize much of our plastic waste doesn’t get recycled and ultimately ends up in the ocean. And most of it is single-use crap that nobody needs.
Now, if the Prime Dictator was in power, he could just ban the damn “single-use plastics” altogether, but he’s not. We live in a democracy. On the straw front, this means politicians, the straw industry, disabled folks, every fast-food chain in existence, and people who never graduated from sippy-cups will get to have their say.
Well, here is my say: If any of the above “need” a straw to meet their requirements, guess what? We have the technology to provide this. Stainless steel straw. Bamboo straw. Cardboard straw. Cut the ends off of a Twizzlers licorice and, ta-da, you have a straw.
For fuck sakes, is this really so difficult? Bill Gates! Quit trying to fix polio and build safer nuclear reactors! We need your genius and billions of dollars to combat the straw problem! Elon! Quit sending cars into orbit with our sun and get your ass over here! We have a major straw epidemic!
I say, make the Fast Food Industry fix their problem. Remember the ozone layer issue? In the eighties, people walked right up to Ronald McDonald himself and demanded he serves his delicious Big Macs in something other than a polystyrene container. You know, to avoid the pesky ozone-depleting chlorofluorocarbons. CFCs. They were a big deal in the eighties.
Eventually, Ronnie switched to cardboard.
Back to the present day. Some places are providing cardboard straws now. Great. Why am I poking them through a plastic lid? Oh wait, I’m not, because drinking soda pop is not how I get my kicks. If it was, I would definitely question why the male end of a cardboard straw is going through the female part of a single-use plastic lid. This makes less sense than sending a car into space, and it makes way less sense than drinking soda pop in the first place.
Since we have the technology to send cars into space and make sugary beverages, can we pretty-please-with-extra-glucose-on-top fix the fructose-ing environmental problems down here?
If only Canada had a political party that cares about the environment… Wait, we do have the Green Party. Last week while Justin Trudeau of the Liberals was trying to apologize his way out of his self-inflicted blackface scandal, guess what the Greens were up to?
Would you believe me if I said they were photoshopping a reusable cup and metal straw into the hands of their party’s leader?
It’s true. This is the last straw.