What if your Cellphone Provider was Like Jesus?

Goddammit.  I’ve been trying to get this hundred dollars in data charges fixed all week.  I’m gonna have to call Heavenly Wireless again get this sorted out.


“You have reached Heavenly Wireless.  This prayer may be monitored for wickedness, non-circumcised penises, wearing garments of two dissimilar fabrics, unclean food in the stomach, unclean thoughts in mind, eating of the forbidden fruit, homosexuality, existing as a woman, sacrificing animals with blemishes, or having crushed testicles…”

“…Press 1 for God, 2 for Jesus, or 3 for The Holy Spirit.”

A little trick I learned was to always press 0.  That usually gets you straight to a person who can help.


“You have entered a number that our all-seeing deity had not conceived of at the time your contract was written.  Please enter the number of legs a grasshopper has.”

Six.  BEEP!

“We’re sorry.  Insects had four legs at the time your contract was written.  Please enter the number of hail Mary’s you should do after you have unclean thoughts.”

“Argh.  I just want to speak to someone who can answer my prayers!!!”

“Please hold…”

Someone comes on the line, “I apologize for the wait.  We’ve been very busy protecting all the catholic priests from legal prosecution and making the most beloved cathedrals burn.  Have you tried praying without ceasing as prescribed in the Thessalonian’s section of your contract?”

“YES.  I called the other day and spoke to some jackass.  He was literally an ass.  You know, a talking donkey?  Finally, I spoke to his supervisor and was told to ‘Wait for the LORD.  Be Strong and let your heart take courage, and wait for the LORD!’ I’ve been praying and waiting all week!”

“Look, my contract says, ‘The LORD will fight for me.  I only need to be still.  I tried that for a few days but I’ve got these data charges that are hanging around like a bad case of the golden hemorrhoids.”

“Have you tried taking two pigeons to the tent of meeting?”


“Yeah, take those pigeons there and have the priest offer one up for a sin offering and burn the other one up for a burnt offering.”

“Um okay…Are you sure?”

“Oh sorry, I was looking at the wrong file.  That’s the troubleshooting guide for cleaning up an unclean woman on the eighth day of her menstrual cycle.”

“This is fucking stupid,” I say.

“Sir, I understand your frustration but Heavenly Wireless works in mysterious ways.


The nonsense in bold is just a tiny morsel of what exists in the holiest of books.  The same book that people like Jim Jones used to indoctrinate their sheep. Well, one of the many versions of the same book that has been translated, punctuated, and collated for your believing pleasure.

Don’t worry, Jones’ followers are all sleeping well on their fluffy marshmallow pillows in the land of Birkenstocks.

Others continue his good work to this day.  Just the other day a child had his throat scalded with hot water as he was drowned by his father in the name of the LORD.  He (the kid) was acting a little demonic that day.  The father told the cops they were just not in the right mindset of belief to understand.

Maybe we oughta stop drinking the Flav-or-ade and take another look at our beloved cellphone contract if you know what I mean.

If you have been indoctrinated, this website might help.  Many have escaped religious cults and lived to tell the tale.

May peace be with you.

25 thoughts on “What if your Cellphone Provider was Like Jesus?

  1. I took the religion out of it and focused on the rage related to automated options and useless customer service. I’ve encountered places where you cannot get through to a live person AT ALL. No matter what you push.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The golden tumors and golden rats were the idea of the priests of Dagon (a god in a particular place). An artifact had been taken from the Israelites and placed in front of Dagon (a statue) to indicate Dagon had defeated the god of Israel. Hence, the followers of Dagon were plagued with tumors and rats. They decided to get rid of the plagues by getting rid of the artifact and creating tributes to the plagues they had experienced… of gold. There were five golden rats and five tumors to represent the five leaders of the Philistines (and all their people along with them) — thus they would send the plagues away too in hopes of making compensation or an offering (their idea).

    Liked by 1 person

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