Telling Kids There is No Santa

Donning a screen-printed T with the message, “Santa ain’t real” I grab my megaphone and head over to the shopping mall.

I’ve steeled myself against the backlash I will receive, including any eviscerations from you people in the comment section.

I’m heading to the most unholy den of sin. The shopping mall. Where scantily clad tiny tots and obese cinnamon-bun-eating turds abandon all manner of order and reason to rack up their credit cards on useless shit.

But I can’t save them today. The extent of their brainwashing is too deep. If they want to leave the house clad only in a thin layer of designer bullshit on the coldest day of the year or if they want to ingest two thousand calories before breakfast, that’s their prerogative. I’m not going there for them. I’m going there for the kids.

Instead of handing out candy canes to rot their teeth I will be giving the little weasels the gift of truth. And unlike the vendor who is charging their folks thirty dollars of their hard-earned cash for an 8 x 10″ glossy of their crying child on a pedophile’s knee, my gift will be free.

As I walk out the door and look at the carcasses of the inflatable snow characters that have become all the rage in the last five years, I wonder, are these things recyclable? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance. Ha! The coloured lights and Frosty the Snowmen might make it seem like I am living in a fantasy world, but in fact, I remain grounded in reality.

They’re just disposable fun toys, erected like a condom and thrown away after the fun is over. They’ll look really nice alongside the garbage bags full of wrapping paper on the 26th.

I walk around the corner, past the “Jesus” house. You know, the one with the snow-white-Jesus-bathed-in-rays-of-light-from-heaven above the door. The house with the heavy wrought iron gate to keep out the solicitors.

“Jesus is the reason for the season.” That’s the horseshit they used to try to get us kids to buy into at St.John’s United while we sat in the pews daydreaming about Super Mario during the bizarre Christmas Eve candle lighting ceremony.

I’m only a couple blocks away from the mall now. There’s no turning back. It’s time to deliver the message to these kids:

“Don’t fall into the same trap as your parents! Don’t you dare believe this Christmas tradition has been going on for a million years! Don’t you dare believe you’ll break all the little kids’ hearts if you don’t perpetuate this myth forward! And don’t you dare believe Jesus is the reason for the season! The most devout people I know are down at the Wal-Mart right now, bowing to their true God.”

I’m crossing the parking lot. The only thing that can stop me now is a magic elf getting his lazy ass off his shelf.

I enter the mall and put the megaphone up to my lips.

“Merry Christmas you useless fucking sheep!”

The preceding was a daydream I had in the checkout line at Wal-Mart.

Merry Christmas everyone. Try not to hand over all your paycheques to the top one percent in exchange for conditional adoration from your kids.

And kids…

Santa isn’t real. But greed and pollution are – so enjoy your fairytales about the North Pole before it melts.

18 thoughts on “Telling Kids There is No Santa

  1. Bah humbug, eh? Yep. I guess you’ll just have to get the lecture you expect. Santa Claus is just one of many fairy tails and they have always been controversial. And nothing wrong with giving–lots of people do plenty of worthwhile giving this time of year. And often for the causes you extol here. Santa is a state of mind (for some a religious figure, for some not) and everyone is free to “give” in the way they choose–it doesn’t have to be commercial. Lots of people volunteering and helping folks. Just like anything else, the idea of “Santa Claus” is many faceted. Lots of families save up all their buying for that time of year and they enjoy it.
    Contrary to popular belief, everyone is not miserable at the holidays and for many families it is a reminder of what is important. And I hate to tell you–but people like you have been around for centuries–nothing new in your cynical rant which is as tiresome as you claim the custom is! It’s a little more worrisome now, though, since it appears every other country’s customs are wonderful except ours here in America (especially, can’t speak for Canada)–all our customs are evil.
    I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one. And I choose to see this glass half full. What were you doing at Wal-Mart by the way? Participating in the crass commercial grubbiness of buying sustenance or a new pair of shoes?
    So like anything and everything, Christmas is what you make of it.
    (Merry Christmas!) 🙂


    1. 0The only thing more tiresome than a cynical rant is a lecture about a cynical rant. : ) But as you said, I expected nothing less.
      People who give (in the humanitarian sense of the word) at Christmas are the real heroes, but that is not what my post was about. It is about how consumerism is killing the planet and how very few care because it is too much fun “saving up all their buying” to spend it all in one big retail-industry-fueled extravaganza during the holidays. If there is any left on the credit card after Black Friday, that is.
      Why was I at Wal-Mart? Participating in this nonsense of course. How hypocritical of me. Yes. But raising kids is a partnership and I don’t have carte blanche to tell them the truth about Santa. It’s a joint decision. So I’ll play along until the day everyone catches up to me and realizes how stupid this is. At least my opinion is on the record.
      My cynical rant could not have existed centuries ago because I am a lashing out at a Christmas that has only existed since Coca-Cola and Woolworths got the ball rolling less than a century ago.
      I do agree that not everyone is miserable around the holidays. The suicide rate actually goes up in the spring, probably when everyone opens their credit card bills.
      Thanks for reading and commenting. If you enjoy these rants there are plenty more in the treasure trove that is NotSheepMinded.
      Merry Christmas!


  2. I think kids need a little bit of that Christmas magic. Yes, I do think fairytales are good (to a reasonable degree of course). Adulting is filled with sweat and tears. Let the kids enjoy life a little before they have to sweat and bleed like the rest of us. I have mercy on them.

    Yes, to me, Christmas IS about Christ.

    No, I do not spread myself think to decorate like crazy and buy all the gifts.


    1. I think the kids need less magic and more reality. It might prepare them for, well, reality.
      My girls think they are going to be Disney Princesses when they grow up because they have been brainwashed with Disney magic since birth.
      I’m just a nerd encouraging them to go toward a STEM field where they might actually stand a chance at solving some of the world’s problems.
      I don’t think much about JC this time of year but I do like playing the song “Oh Holy Night” on the guitar. The part where it says ” Fall on your knees” can really be taken up a notch.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Agree to disagree.
        Growing up, I was spared the adult stuff, while being prepared for a rude awakening. I definitely knew what I was getting myself into. The “magic” definitely helped soften the blow of the gruesome reality. I think taking more of that magic away would just be unnecessary. But it’s a matter of opinion, for sure. I totally understand where you’re coming from regarding Disney and such. Who knows? With the way things are, maybe they WILL become whatever they want and they will be successful at it. I’m not sure that I am any better in life just because of my education, background, etc.

        Interesting. Acustic or electric?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The truth is, I’m not as concerned about taking magic away from kids as teaching them that there is more to life than salivating over consumer goods. I do actually participate in the magic of Christmas with my kids. I just do it kicking and screaming sometimes.

        I play the acoustic mostly. There is an electric guitar downstairs but I don’t hook it up too often.

        Liked by 1 person

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